


Forgiven

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 06:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: Kind of a song fiction. Sad, dramatic, happy end. You decide how to let it end.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter: sad ending  
> Second chapter: happy ending

It had been a calm day. No emergencies, no operations, nothing. Just a calm Sunday afternoon in the small hospital of Kitee. The most exciting that day had been an old lady who had escaped her room.  
Nothing worth to mention happened -  
Until they received the phone call.  
"... hit by a car ... losing blood ... save her ..."  
The man on the other line hadn't been able to talk. He was clearly in a shocked state.  
"Sir. Where are you?"  
"Cave rock studio!"  
"What happened?"  
"The car came out of nowhere ... my friend... she's hurt!"  
"And your name is?"  
"Tuomas Holopainen. Quick, she's ... not breathing!"  
The doctors didn't hesitate. An emergency! Of course they drove there fast, it was a matter of life and death!

(Couldn't save you from the start. Love you so it hurts my soul ...  
Can you forgive me for trying again?  
Your silence makes me hold my breath ...)

Tuomas stared at them as they lifted her from the street. He couldn't move. It was his fault.  
"Quick! We need oxygen!"  
They put a mask on her face, carried her into the car.  
They had done a cardiac massage right there on the street and from what he had heard, she was alive. But she had some broken ribs and, probably, a trauma. Her skin was blue on various places, her shoulders, her cheek ... her arm was strangely distorted. And her eyes were still closed.  
He stared at her. If she died ... he had killed her.  
He had killed Tarja.  
As he saw her black hair vanish in the car, he woke from his shocked state.  
"I need to go with her!" he shouted at the closest paramedic, a young girl with short hair and glasses.  
"Sir! Are you someone of her family?"  
"No - but - it's my fault that she got hit by the car ..." he covered his face with his hands.  
"You hit her? You pushed her?" The girl pulled out a note pad.  
"No but I made her cry ... oh god ..."  
"Sir," the female paramedic tried to calm him. "You can come with me in the other car. Come with me."

(Time has passed you by, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world.  
Oh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own.  
Here I am left in silence ...)

"I'm Emma," the young paramedic introduced herself as Tuomas had put on his seatbelt. "You can tell me everything, Tuomas. I won't tell anyone what they don't need to hear."  
And Tuomas closed his eyes and decided to trust this foreign woman.

I had called her. I needed to talk to her, finally tell her what I feel. She needed to know, I owed her. And then she entered, pulled her sunglasses off. Her hair was straight as always, she was wearing a red top and blue jeans, why were it those casual things that made her look even more attractive?  
"I'm the first?" she asked as she entered the studio.  
"The others will come later," I lied. Until then I had hopefully told her already. And then she would either leave or smooch me, so it was only good that the guys wouldn't come.  
"Oh, great." She sat down and started warming up her voice. I loved to watch her, she had warming up ritual and my ritual was to watch her. Today though she noticed.  
"What?" she asked.  
"You're beautiful," I said shyly and she stared at me.  
"Are you feeling alright?" she asked worried and came over. She put her hand on my forehead.  
Her hand was cool and I had to close my eyes.  
"Your forehead it hot indeed," she said. "Shall I drive you home?"  
I opened my eyes. Her face looked worried, but nothing I wanted her to look at me. With desire, with love.  
"I'm fine. You're here with me."  
Tarja pulled her head back. "Okay ... You're acting very strange today." She pulled out her phone after it made a sound. And then she started smiling over her whole face.  
I immediately knew who it was. Marcelo. That slimy Argentine who wanted to take her from me!!  
Without thinking again, I grabbed her phone.  
"Hey!" she screamed but I had to read it. I had to know why she liked Marcelo more than me.  
>I'm listening Nightwish... the beauty of your voice makes you come a little closer. I miss you.<  
"What - that's not even a real sentence!" I shouted. "First, it's listening to Nightwish and second - What does that mean? Makes you come closer? Seriously, he's so stupid!" I spat. I hated him.  
"You're such an asshole, Tuomas," Tarja hissed. "Give my phone back to me!"  
I threw the phone in front of her feet. I hated this guy so much.  
"You're unbelievable," Tarja said coldly and picked the phone up.

Emma parked in front of the hospital. Together she and Tuomas ran into the big building.  
Tarja had already vanished inside an operation room.  
"She has several cerebral haemorrhages," one of the doctors said. "You can't come in now. We'll keep you informed."  
"I'll stay with you," Emma said gently as Tuomas slid down the wall, hitting the floor.  
He had killed her.

(I watched the clouds drifting away, still the sun can't warm my face.  
I know it was destined to go wrong, you were looking for the great escape to chase your demons away)

For a while we didn't say a word. She only glared at me while she tried to make her phone work again. Finally she succeeded, and as it was shut on, she immediately typed back to her Argentine.  
"What do you like about him?" I asked after she had finished.  
"He's different. I don't like Finnish men." Her voice sounded still pissed. "He's not as cold as a fish like you guys are. He's not aggressive and alcoholic."  
"You're such a diva," I groaned.  
"He would never call me a diva!" Tarja said with a shrill voice. "Or a bitch or a cow or a drama queen! He's cute and gentle and funny, unlike you. You guys are too Finnish, I don't want a Finnish man. I've had enough of this cold country."  
I couldn't look at her. "So you'll move ..."  
"One day I definitely will. The earlier, the better."  
"But then you can't be in Nightwish anymore," I said quietly, hoping that would make her sad.  
But she only smiled.  
"Don't be a fool. Did you think I would have stayed forever?"  
"You should." My voice was hoarse. "You are Nightwish..."  
"No, you are Nightwish," Tarja corrected me. "I'm just a nightingale in a golden cage. And one day you will have to let me fly."  
"No, Tarja, I can't," I said. "I can't let you fly -"  
"One day you will."  
Suddenly I had enough.  
I jumped up, walked towards her and grabbed her wrists.  
Hard.  
"Tuomas ..."

"Mr Holopainen. Should we contact anyone?"  
"Yeah. Her ... her parents. And her brothers."  
"Does she have a husband? Boyfriend?"  
"N-no. Just friends ... our band mates!"  
The doctor nodded and walked away.  
"Any news?" Tuomas called after him and the doctor turned around again.  
"It doesn't look good for her."

(For so long I've tried to shield you from the world but you couldn't face the freedom on your own.  
And here I am left in silence...)

"Tarja!" I almost shouted at her. "You're making a big mistake! That man only uses you. He knows he can make big money with you."  
"Oh, and you don't use me??" Tarja shot back.  
"No, I - we love you!"  
"And he doesn't??" Her eyes were filled with tears. "You know - if you really love me, it's a strange way to show me! You treat me like one of the guys or you push me around, laugh at me constantly for not going out with you, you call me bitch ... the fuck, Tuomas, you pushed me down on the ground and screamed at me!"  
"You can't - that was years ago!"  
Tarja tried to pull her hand out of my grip but I held her tighter.  
"Let me go, you asshole," she scolded.  
"No," I said determined. "You'll stay here."  
And Tarja lifted up her other arm. And hit me hard, slapped me right across the face.  
And then she ran out of the studios, me after her.  
"Tarja!!"  
Tarja grabbed her jacket, didn't even bother to put it on. I was faster than her, succeeded to grab a bit of the jacket and pulled her back, which made her fall.  
I threw myself on her to make her stay.  
"What are you doing!?" she screeched and pushed me away.  
We both stood up again.  
"You need to understand what's going on," I said with a shaking voice. She stood in front of me now, walked back slowly. I understood that she was afraid of me.  
"Tarja, I ... Tarja!!"  
That was when I had seen the car.  
But Tarja was staring down at me. She didn't see it, didn't hear it.  
"My god, move back!" I jumped up and wanted to grab her, but she understood me wrong, thought I wanted to hurt her. Now she moved back even faster.  
And that was when the car hit her ...

"I'm so sorry." Emma took his hand. "You only wanted to tell her somehow ..."  
"I will," Tuomas said. "I will tell her that I love her as soon as she's out of that room. She will hate me forever but ... she deserves to know." His heart clenched. And if it was the last thing she heard, he would hate himself forever.  
"I believe in you." Emma smiled.

But they waited for hours. Tarja's parents were here already and so were the guys from the band.  
No one said a word. Tuomas hadn't told anyone else the truth, he simply said they had walked over the street and the car had come out of nowhere.  
No one asked further.  
No one asked why he wasn't injured.  
No one asked why he hadn't saved her.  
And finally, after three or four hours, the waiting came to an end.  
But sadly not to a good end.  
The face of the doctor said everything already, as he walked down the aisle to them.

(You gave up the fight, you left me behind.  
All that's done's forgiven.  
You'll always be mine, I know deep inside.  
All that's done's forgiven.)

"She has a few more hours. Family can see her first," the doctor ended. Tuomas still sat on the floor and buried his face in his hands, now he started hitting his head against his knees. "No, no, no!!" he sobbed. "No! Why?? Why her?? Why not me!?"

(I've been so lost since you've gone Why not me before you? Why did fate deceive me? Everything turned out so wrong.  
Why did you leave me in silence?)

Teuvo had to carry Marjatta out of Tarja's room. He had a stony face, his wife had cancer and not a high chance to live longer than a few months, and now his daughter was about to leave this world too. Marjatta only cried.   
"Tuomas. You go," Emppu pushed him.  
And Tuomas stood up.  
His feet were heavy as he walked into her room, his heart clenched as he saw her.  
She looked even smaller now.  
"Tuomas ..."  
Her voice was silent, she didn't have much strength left.  
"I'm so sorry," Tuomas sobbed and sat down next to her. He took her hand. "I'm so sorry ..."  
Her beautiful face was bruised.  
"It's not your fault ..."  
"Of course it is!" Tuomas called. "Damn ... I should have told you inside of the studio ... not here. This is wrong."  
Tarja didn't react. Instead she asked, "Did someone contact Marcelo?"  
"Yeah," Tuomas said. He was sure that someone had. Teuvo maybe.  
"Could you ... could you tell him that I love him?"  
It hit him hard.  
Not only what she said, also her smile as she said it. She really loved him. He couldn't destroy this moment now, only to feed his egoism.  
"Yeah," Tuomas said again.  
"Thanks." Tarja closed her eyes. "Damn. I can't believe I'm dying ... I don't feel anything. They pumped so many painkillers into my blood, if I die now, it's not because of the car." She laughed weakly.  
Tuomas forced himself to smile.  
"You'll find another singer," Tarja said quietly and stared at the floor. Suddenly she felt heavy. She couldn't even feel Tuomas' hand on hers.  
"We'll never find anyone as good as you."  
"That doesn't matter. I will watch you -" she started to cough. Softly, it obviously hurt her lungs to cough. "Go outside ..."  
"No!" Tuomas shouted, but Tarja pressed the call button. And only seconds later, he got pulled away.  
Last thing he saw of her alive was a doctor putting another oxygen mask over her face.  
Then the door went close.

And the next and very last time he saw her was during her funeral.  
She looked like Snow White after she had eaten the poisoned apple but even though - unlike the fairy tale princess - she was really dead, she looked so, so beautiful.

He walked to her grave as it was over and knelt down.  
"I haven't even told you," he said and placed the red rose on the grave. "You never knew what I felt for you ..."  
He looked at the tomb stone. They had asked him to write something for it; it had been the only chance to do something for her. Something he could do for her last.   
In beautiful font they had craved his last poem for her into her stone:

You gave up the fight,  
You left me behind.  
All that's done's forgiven.  
You'll always be mine,  
I know deep inside.  
All that's done's forgiven.


	2. Chapter 2

But they waited for hours. Tarja's parents were here already and so were the guys from the band.  
No one said a word. Tuomas hadn't told anyone else the truth, he simply said they had walked over the street and the car had come out of nowhere.  
No one asked further.  
No one asked why he wasn't injured.  
No one asked why he hadn't saved her.  
And finally, after three or four hours, the waiting came to an end.  
But the face of the doctor said everything already, as he walked down the aisle to them.  
"Truth be told, it doesn't look good for her," he repeated his words from before. "She has several broken ribs, contusions and a light trauma but she's lucky that she's still alive. We will have her stay here until we are sure that she will live."  
"How big is the chance?" Marco asked. He had been the only one who dared to ask.  
"Under fifty per cent. But not that much. Maybe forty-five."  
"So the chance that she'll die is fifty-five." Tuomas buried his face in his hands again. "Fuck."  
"Family can see her now," the doctor said. "And then friends."  
Marjatta and Teuvo went after him.  
And everyone stared at Tuomas.  
"Has anyone told Marcelo?" Jukka suddenly asked.  
"Fuck him," Tuomas groaned. "He's the reason she's even hurt."  
"What? What do you mean??" The guys slid down to sit down next to the keyboarder.  
And Tuomas sighed and told them.

Teuvo had to carry Marjatta out of Tarja's room. He had a stony face, his wife had cancer and not a high chance to live longer than a few months, and now his daughter was about to - probably - leave this world too. Marjatta only cried.   
"Tuomas. You go," Emppu pushed him.  
And Tuomas stood up.  
His feet were heavy as he walked into her room, his heart clenched as he saw her.  
She looked even smaller now.  
"Tuomas ..."  
Her voice was silent, she didn't have much strength left.  
"I'm so sorry," Tuomas sobbed and sat down next to her. He took her hand. "I'm so sorry ..."  
Her beautiful face was bruised.  
"It's not your fault ..."  
"Of course it is!" Tuomas called. "Damn ... I should have told you inside of the studio ... not here. This is wrong."  
Tarja didn't react. Instead she asked, "Did someone contact Marcelo?"  
"Yeah," Tuomas said. He was sure that someone had. Teuvo maybe.  
"Could you ... could you tell him that I love him?"  
It hit him hard.  
Not only what she said, also her smile as she said it. She really loved him. He couldn't destroy this moment now, only to feed his egoism.  
"Yeah," Tuomas said again.  
"Thanks." Tarja closed her eyes. "Damn. I can't believe I'm dying ... I don't feel anything. They pumped so many painkillers into my blood, if I die now, it's not because of the car." She laughed weakly.  
Tuomas forced himself to smile.  
"You'll find another singer," Tarja said quietly and stared at the floor. Suddenly she felt heavy. She couldn't even feel Tuomas' hand on hers.  
"We'll never find anyone as good as you."  
"That doesn't matter. I will watch you -" she started to cough. Softly, it obviously hurt her lungs to cough. "Go outside ..."  
"No!" Tuomas shouted, but Tarja pressed the call button. And only seconds later, he got pulled away.  
Last thing he saw of her alive was a doctor putting another oxygen mask over her face.  
Then the door went close.

Tuomas ran down the aisle. Past his friends. Out of that goddamn hospital.  
He thought of where to go, what would be the best? Jump off that big building across the street? Run into a lorry? Jump in front of a train? He decided to jump from a building, he didn't want anyone to take harm of his suicide.  
What a beautiful day but what a sad day for Nightwish. The sun was shining and he was sweating as he climbed up the stairway.  
He never took elevators, he couldn't. He felt locked inside of them and he became sick inside. So he climbed up into the ninth floor. He knew it was high enough to kill him. He would probably survive a jump from the fourth or even fifth floor but the ninth? Impossible. He went to the edge and looked down.  
Oh good Lord. It was really high.  
He sat down. What should he do now? Send a last message to his friends and family before he jumped? Or jump immediately, don't tell anyone about his feelings?  
The thought of being united with Tarja made him excited. They would be dead but they'd be together ... hopefully.  
He didn't quite believe in a life after death.  
But at least she wouldn't be with Marcelo anymore.  
Out of an instinct he jumped up and looked down again.   
Now or never.  
He put a foot on the edge - just as his phone rang.  
Shit, he hadn't shut it off. He sighed and looked at his display. Emppu. Oh no. He felt it, he would tell him that Tarja hadn't made it. And then he would jump immediately.   
"Emppu."  
"Tuomas?! Where the heck did you vanish??"  
"I needed air," Tuomas replied. "Emppu, tell me. Did Tarja -"  
"She's alive!" Emppu called and Tuomas almost dropped his phone.  
"What ...?"  
"She'll survive! They did something, stopped her bleeding or something. She'll make it, Tuo! She's feeling very good. And she wants to see you."  
"You're not joking?" Tuomas closed his eyes. "Tell me the truth, Emppu. I just wanted to jump."  
Emppu stayed quiet for a few seconds. "Go away from there," he then said, his voice silent but determined. "She will live. And so will you."  
"Yes. She'll live with Marcelo. Become happy with that swine. Have children with him."  
"Tuomas," Emppu groaned. "Come back here. Trust me. She needs to see you now, only you. She didn't even ask for Marcelo."  
But Tuomas didn't believe him. "Bye," he whispered and hung up.  
Looked down again. How easy it was to just let himself fall. How easy it was to die ...  
He closed his eyes.  
But suddenly he realised that Tarja would live. She would live! He could her see again, he could continue being with her.  
Yes, he was depressed because she didn't love him back but he knew, his mood would lighten up whenever he saw her. She just had to be there, smile, laugh. And he would feel happy.  
Because she was happy.  
Tuomas cried as he climbed down the stairway.  
Crossed the street, entered the hospital.  
"Tuomas!" Emppu shouted as he saw him. "Fuck, I was so scared!"  
Tuomas ignored him. He walked straight into Tarja's room, didn't bother to hide his tears.  
"Hey," Tarja said as he saw him. "Where have you been?"  
"I needed air," Tuomas repeated. "Sorry. Sorry for everything."  
"I told you, it's not your fault." Tarja smiled as he buried his wet face in her bedsheets.  
"Tarja," he sobbed. "I wanted to jump. I couldn't live on ... it was my fault because I was so stupid and didn't tell you. I should have told you instead of grabbing you -"  
"Then tell me now."  
Tuomas slowly pulled back. "I - I can't. You survived. It would be selfish to destroy this happy moment."  
"Oh, come on. Don't you think that, if you had jumped, would have destroyed everything even more?" Tarja took his hand. "But if you don't want to tell me, I'll tell you. For a while I thought I would die. And then your face would have been the last I had seen. And for some reason that was okay. I didn't crave to see Marcelo that very moment, not my parents, no one but you. I would have died happy with the knowledge that you ... loved me back."  
Tuomas rubbed his wet eyes. "What ...?"  
"That was the moment I realised why everything you've done to me hurt me so very much. I haven't broken up with Marcelo yet but I will as soon as I'm out of hospital. And then we can be together."  
Tuomas was incapable of reacting. This was a dream ...  
"Or ... don't you love me?" Tarja blushed and she closed her eyes. "In this case, forget what I've said and -"  
Tuomas quickly silenced her by kissing her gently.  
It was like a million fireworks exploding in their minds as their lips touched. For a wonderful eternity they kissed passionately, Tarja had pulled him into her embrace and he was almost lying on her now. Both pulled back as their tasted salt on their lips.  
Tarja was crying. "I love you," she whispered.  
"I love you too. So very much." He put his hand on the singer's cheek.  
And Tarja pulled him into the next kiss.

_____

Some weeks later ...

Everything had changed. For the better, in Tuomas' opinion.  
Tarja had been allowed to leave the hospital after three weeks and she had immediately called Marcelo via Skype. The Argentine had already thought that something was up, since Tarja hadn't called him a single time in those weeks. She had only texted him that she was alright and that he shouldn't come to Finland.  
But then she had left the hospital, called Marcelo and told him that she had almost died. And that she, in those minutes she had thought she'd die, had realised that she didn't love him anymore. Or that she didn't love him as much as she should. As much as she loved someone else.  
"Tuomas?" Marcelo asked.  
"Yes. I'm sorry." Tarja lowered her eyes. "He has been there for me like no one else and -"  
"You don't have to explain yourself," Marcelo said. He sounded bitter. "Love is love. And if you love that asshole, it's okay."  
"He's not an asshole. You two simply don't like each other, that's all. You're not an asshole either, even though Tuomas says you are."  
And that's how it had ended. A short relationship between the Finn and the Argentine, a short and not really passionate relationship. Just as passionate as a long distance relationship could be.  
And after she had closed her laptop, she walked into the bedroom.  
"I did it," she whispered and hugged her new boyfriend. "I'm free."  
"Not really ..." Tuomas wrapped his arms around her. "You're mine now."  
"I love you ..."  
Tuomas kissed her. He couldn't get enough of it.   
Their kiss became more heated and passionate as Tarja started to peel off his shirt. And what happened after, will stay in their bedroom.

A few months later, Tuomas dropped the question. He wanted to stay with her forever, so he fell on his knees during an interview. He had weighed the options whether to ask her privately or not and had decided: openly. During an interview. So a certain Argentine could see it. The hate towards him still hadn't died.  
And Tuomas had been nervous, he had prepared a text which had suddenly vanished out of his mind completely. He had pulled out the sheet instead to read the love declaration to her. Tarja was crying as he finished. And finally he opened the little chest in hand and dropped the question.  
"Tarja Soile Susanna Turunen. You mean the world to me and you always will. So will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"  
Tarja simply took the ring and put it on her finger before she dropped on her knees to kiss him.

They married in June, about a year after the accident.  
Life after their marriage wasn't easy, not at all.  
But that's another story.


End file.
